today in guyana – me ain know guana is a girl

been a while since i been to a guyana lying competition but is one of we national past times
we could liiiie
well i ain gah tell you dat. you know it a’ready
some chaps eating and sharing tales on merriman’s mall today
tall tales

yuh see dis man hey? i eva tell yall bout de time me an he gone by a big man house?
no? i ain tell yall duh one. oh rass yall ain kno dis man is a champion sprinter?
well i de mashin de big man wife an’ i cry dis one hey as meh body guard and i deh in deh doin meh ting
bang bang bang
yuh kno me a’ready i doan play. mmm mmmmm

well dis one hey now signal me de man come home an i grabble on me clothes an we bruk out
well when i reach me bike an i look back to de house all i see is de man pull out some’ting
an de next ting i hear is bladaaaam
is shoot de man shooting at we
bladaaaam bladaaaam bladaaaam
well i jump pon me bike an i gone
yuh ain andastan dis one hey disappear and me ain know whey he deh
so i think i in front uh he an i doin it
when i meet the station i bank hard in de yard screeks
an i run inside to de police breathless
bai i nevuh suh happy fuh see police an inside ah station
well is later i gon fine out
dis one hey been in front uh me all de time
de man goin so fuckin fass is fly he fly pass de station
he could’nuh bank in he goin suh fass
man fly straight pass de station wid de speed he been goin wid
yall ain know dis man is a world champion sprinter
duh one from jamaica, wuh he name, hussein bolt
hussein bold ain got nothin pon dis bai hey

a long break for laughter

but duh is nat de best part
de next week now me an he gone down by de back uh de market and dem bais racing pon de road fuh money
i tell he here wuh we gon mek some money today
de man is to ask me wuh i mean?
i seh bai yuh gon race dese chaps an we gon mek some money
when de man now do suh on yuh marks, get set go!
de man runnin like a lil gyal an tek some serious licks
i tell he, ask he watch he deh right deh
i tell he, if de woman i de mashin man been hey today wid he gun
we woulda win big money
cause duh gun woulda mek yuh pelt down de road
i bet pon de world champion sprinter and loose all me money
but he is still meh fren
me an duh bai had some kicks leh me tell you

a woman and a teenage girl sat down to eat and i was so glad they didn’t come earlier
or they woulda been exposed to all that wutlessness
a man looking like your typical guyana badman came and sat opposite the woman and the girl
what happens next requires some sorta urgent intervention
he got up and brought them their food
he asked them if they needed anything else
he got up and brought them glasses and straws
he poured juice for them and sat back admiring them
i almost asked him if he was all right
probably suffering from fever or zika or something
bad man serving ‘oman in Guyana!

the men gathered start up again
the group leader again leading the charge

how come nobody ain tell me guana is a girl?
nobody ain tell you guana is a bird?
no, no, noooo nobody ain tell me guana is a girl
yes man
yes we tell you
no! nobody ain tell me
bai i tell you long now guana is a bird before you went new yark
if you de tell me guana was a girl i woulda rememba. not guana. anybody else but guana
watch y’self like you got feelings fuh guana or wuh?
who me? aye res yself. when i mash i mashin an is sheer champions
well yuh know guana only use to deal with champions tuh
nobody ain tell me guana is a girl. i caan believe ayuh do duh to me
gua-nuuuh! naaaah

all gathered exit

two women walk by
a man sitting check them out and starts talking out loud in their direction
champion. champion. you’re a champion, you are a champion
the women keep walking ignoring him or maybe not hearing
he shouts a little louder
lovely. lovely. lovely back. bamzee

i feel like am going out of my head undergoing all these successive bouts of guyana trauma or drama whichever way you wanna put it

i head back to the ministry to pick up the paper they promised me two weeks ago
a man in the lobby arguing with the lady downstairs who doesn’t know why the lady upstairs send him to wait downstairs
she calls upstairs to find out that the lady upstairs said she in a meeting and she didn’t tell the man to wait downstairs
she said she told him he can go as his papers is still being processed and she will give it to her boss to sign after
the man is just back from america and ask if he can go back upstairs and meet the lady or her boss
the lady downstairs said that is not her department and she cant advise him what to do
he ask her to ask upstairs if the document processed yet
she smiles
he ask her to find out if boss got the document yet
without picking up the phone she says yes then no then i dont know then maybe then let hte process go through dont rush it
the man goes upstairs and comes back down disgusted
the people upstairs are not allowing him to see the lady in charge and it’s lunchtime
he ask what happens next after the boss upstairs signs
oh we will take it to guyana revenue
he ask if he can take it himself
she smiles
oh no. we have to do that. we cant give you documents like that to carry
he’s back home after living in america for a few decades
he shakes his head and walks out the door one last time
after an hour waiting i get my piece of paper and exit the place

the lady downstairs puts her head down on her desk next to her keyboard and dozes off
the guard head is bowed again as i leave
there is a special charm waking the police officer up entering a govt ministry and taking special care not to rouse her on the way out
she probably need the lil rest while at work

the ladies of the night from dominican republic are out shopping again
the papers said some more were rounded up yesterday in bartica

old man bus driver put a big lady off ‘his bus’
rationale? she is problems
he smiles as she exits
Guyana public transport system is pure unadulterated shiz
almost home he pulls over on the sidewalk and jumps out the bus

excuse me passengers. gimme a couple minutes to buy some things in the shop

the lying competition starts echoing in my head as we wait and the driver shops

an de next ting i hear is bladaaaam
is shoot de man shooting at we
bladaaaam bladaaaam bladaaaam
well i jump pon me bike an i gone

now late, the driver forget where i told him i wanted to get off
i said thank you and walked back the extra piece

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