simple farmer

for some reason i thought this story was on my blog 🙂 it appears in my book attempt chronicling some of my experiences in haiti. i wrote this in 2011

wyclef jean, just another silly negroe

at another point in time we will just be able to sit, point out the silly negroes and chase their pathetic asses on down the road.
unfortunately, we’re not there yet.
step one is still necessary but we have to come up with systems and procedures to purge silly negroes from the planet and be on guard for the new ones who will pop up to fill their shoes.

i first heard of the fugees [clef, lauren & pras] one day gallivanting around el paso, texas.
a friend was blasting ready or not here i come and i thought to m’self, i have to have her.
sometime later i learned her name was lauryn hill.
my newest love and i had no clue what she looked like.
soon thereafter i ran out like a good little groupie and bought the cd.
that was back in the days in my roaring 20s when everything was instant.
after the group broke up i had problems dealing with it. i longed for a comeback. a let’s do it again one more time for the fans or some other excuse but it wasn’t to be.
eventually i broke it off with clef and madman pras.
and who could forget clef tellin’ the world what he did to lauryn in the sack when comeback was still a possibility?
oooh you’re such a big boy cleffie.
i eased him off for a while and checked in here and there as i could tolerate him to a point.
after he pulled a lenny kravitz, cut his hair and went hollyweird i put him on my do not buy list.
i tried to follow lauryn but her eccentricities were a bit too much even for me to deal with. then again, it’s not like we live as man and woman so what do i care?
but i must admit, i fell out of love. or whatever you want to call the little precious that we had.
then i flipped on the tele one day to catch clefboy ranting and raving against a democratically elected president – jean betrand-aristidae in 2004.
i immediately put him on my suspicious, suspect negroe list.
i would occasionally hear him here and there or see him on the tele doing his negroe shuffle but by now clef was all background noise to me.
he’d join the ranks of negroedom. talking plenty but saying nothing. baffle them with bullshit and suffocate them with weak ass meaningless prose.
these negroes moving too fast boss! what is we to do?

fast forward.
then clef said he wanted to be president of haiti because he could play guitar and sing.
ok son of a preacher man, why don’t they make you the godly emperor? why stop at president? and not just any emperor, emperor for life.
that was my thought
clef today. clef tomorrow. clef fuheva!
cleffiebaby as faith or destiny would have it got thrown off the haitian presidential candidate list because there a few qualifications you have to meet before you can run for president.
yes haiti has written rules and regulations.
first you have to be haitian as in living in haiti. second you must also be a citizen of haiti as in. not zooming around the entertainment circuit on your american passport.
and there are a lot more other shit that i don’t really know but are all part of the rules if you want to run for president of haiti.
so like a good take my ball and go home type negroe, clef launched a scathing attack on the haitian election people* shoot em up song and all.

you didn’t reject wyclef. you rejected the people
lucifer is in control of the c.e.p. the satan disqualified me.
the children of god cannot be barred.

cleffie doing a piss poor jean-jacques dessalines imitation sang please bring your guns to town tonight.
this did not work out as planned.
even appealing to bill clinton and his new white comrades in arms did not help clef become president of haiti.
he said something about being back and this is not the last you muhfuckin’ haters heard from ya bwoy wycleefer yuh heard meh?
yea silly negroe entertainers say stupid shit all the time.
no big surprise there.
he was soon seen chumming it up with michelle martelly. a ‘reformed’ crack head singer like clef imposed on the haitian people by the powers that want to be forever.
let’s not get into the part when clef announced that he was shot as his boy sweet mickey was no longer looking so sweet on the eve of selection.
yea clef was shot all right.
the police big chief finally got tired of clown clef and called in the press. he announced to all gathered that the gun was a tiffany’s extra skinny champagne glass.
chillin in delmas drinking whatever silly negroes drink from extra skinny champagne glasses cleffie shot himself with the broken stem.
let’s skip along as we don’t have time to dwell on the staged shooting of a disbarred presidential candidate and his oscar winning performance waving his bandaged hand then getting on his private plane because haiti had suddenly become too dangerous.
peter tosh or bob marley you’re not cleffie.
also we don’t have time to deal with pras, brother of cleffie, and another silly negroe, promising to burn the country down if their boy michelle martelly did not win the selections.
on may 14 inauguration day, michelle martelly mentioned his field marshal clef in his acceptance $peech.
that night i happen upon a tv and guess who was giving an interview in his bow tie tuxedo sweating like a fill in the blank?
yep, haiti is still in the caribbean and the temperature doesn’t dip too much in port au prince these days. but there was cleffie again sweating like a fill in the blank and he paused on the carpet for the camera crew.
for some strange reason i really thought this negroe had killed himself by now.
i mean, i was just thinking after all he went through, why not just kill yourself? and we will not deal with clef raising money to help his fellow haitians only to turn around and pay himself with the money raised.
this time he really had something to say. and he said a number of things into the camera.
first in kreyol for his peeps in the street. yea he got his peeps. then he gave a big shout out to his thugs in the hood. which is different from his peeps in the streets.
what negroe entertainer don’t have thugs in da hood? of course cleffie got thugs in da hood.
then in english for his international fans and fellow negroe entertainers and/or gunmen.
cleffie said martelly imposition on the haitian people is like obama becoming president of america, an historic moment.
don’t stop there cleffie tell dem how you really feel about your reformed crack head friend
clef, silly negroe that he be then really got comfortable and took of like a jet plane
michelle martelly is like nelson mandela.
what the fuck did you just say cleffie baby?
i think he heard me.
he must have heard me.
i know he heard me ‘cause he looked me directly in the eyes and did that eyebrow thing he does and adjusted his bowtie.
he was sweating profusely and switched back to fast talking haitian kreyol which i don’t always understand.
cleffie then mumbled $omething about $omething and shucked and jived down the red carpet shaking his silly negroe ass.

* conseil electoral provisoire.